realisations about life, at 28

reminders to self

My birthday was yesterday. I turned 28, even though it doesn’t feel like I’m that age at all. I’ve said this every year after 25, because looking back I feel like I’m stuck, though that is definitely not true at all. It’s just a feeling, like the subtle pain in my back reminding me to do my yoga tonight.

Every time I declutter my flat I end up reading my old journals. It’s part of the routine by now, if you’re familiar with the spiel as a journal writer. It’s like finding old photo albums that you can’t put back before flipping through it one more time. Sitting in the nostalgia of a person that you remember but who doesn’t yet know you.

I was reading back on my current journal from this year, when I decided to write this a draft for this post.

• How I spend my day is how I’m spending my life. I strive to feel inspired and stimulated, and I don’t mean by my phone. I mean reading, exploring outside, taking the scenic routes instead of the convenient ones. I don’t want to one day wake up thinking “What happened? Where did I go? What am I doing?” because I lay in bed on my phone too many times, and let experiences slip from my fingers.

• I should treat social media like it’s an addiction. Scrolling has taken so much time out of my life, and away from me. Sometimes I learned, read some interesting stuff, got inspired or even motivated. But that wasn’t happening 100% of the time I was looking at social media. I’ve unfollowed a bunch of accounts that weren’t serving me as creative inspiration, because that is what I realised I seek: creation, creativity, exploration. Not thin bodies or make-up. The second I unfollowed models or pretty people whose posts weren’t giving me value in the ways I wanted, I felt free. I seldomly check Instagram now, and my TikTok algorithm has become more healthy after blocking certain topics and hashtags. Now I treat it like it’s an addiction, trying to keep the timeframes small. Fine in small doses, but not great for overall health.

• When I feel bad, I should cook or bake or go to sleep. So many times when I was in a bad mood, I just simply needed a nap. Angry for no reason? Pissed off? I’ll eat. Toddler behaviour, I call it. But I do tend to underestimate hunger and restlessness and their effect on my mood. I keep forgetting and looking for the deeper issues, or even the fault in other people, but honestly, maybe I just need a bloody nap.

• I know myself well; that doesn’t mean I don’t have to change. I know what I’m good at, and what I have my trouble with. Taking things personally, being bad with criticism, jumping to conclusions, my anxiety getting the best of me in the crucial moments. Knowing better but reacting with emotion before I can stop myself. And because I am aware of myself, I can change. I should be open to change. This is why I dislike hearing “This is just who I am” because it sounds like an excuse. The way I am is not a fact tied to science that I cannot shake or change. I can change a lot of things about myself if I want to, if I deem it necessary. And if something about me hurts other people, then it’s worth taking a deep look.

• Comparisons don’t serve me. I’ve found joy in being appreciative of the things I do have, the things I am, the hobbies I enjoy, the passions I follow, whatever craft I feel like I’m good at. Everybody has their own story anyway, and comparing yourself will never have an end. Putting these things down in my journal to remind myself to celebrate my life as it is, instead of the desires for more. It’s lovely to have dreams and wishes, but also the kindness not to beat yourself up for not being “there” yet.

• Failure is my teacher. And not everything is failure! Moments, whether good or bad, are temporary. Learn from them, but don't cling to them. Mistakes and setbacks are opportunities to learn and grow, not endpoints, because change is constant. There are a lot of times when I feel like the universe is being unfair to me, but unfairness is inevitable, and so is divine timing, and the things you can never control. Failures have led me to better things countless times in the past, so I can take them as redirection.

• I live for myself. If I live by others’ praise, I will die by their criticism. I have lived my whole life being concerned about what other people think of me and hoping they would like me. It was so important to me to be liked, resulting in lying, pretending, hiding, tiptoeing, avoiding and being disrespected. Who am I living for really? Correct, for myself. So if I like myself in writing, what does it matter if someone thinks I’m cringe? Or weak for crying at everything? Or delusional for pursuing my dreams without thinking too hard about What’s Next? And why would that concern others, living full lives themselves?

• Pick my battles. Some fights are just not worth fighting; you will not see eye-to-eye with everyone. Everyone is different, everyone has different values and communication styles. Sometimes you have to give up on good friendships that seemed solid ones. Sometimes when you feel disrespected once, they will feel okay disrespecting you again. Just walk away when you sense there will be no change, do not waste your energy over trivial issues. Ask yourself, do you really care to fix this?

• Don’t take my health for granted. Remember when you were sick with a fever and a painful throat and a stuffy nose and you couldn’t taste your favourite sandwich? This seems trivial and naturally it could be much worse, but every time I’m back to health, I realise how lucky I am when I’m healthy. So take care of your body, take the vitamins, drink your water or tea, and treat your body well.

• Do what scares me. You’ll never grow hovering where you know everything. Asking for the number, shooting your shot, saying hello to a stranger, asking a dumb question. There are smaller and bigger fears of course, but you will never get less scared if you don’t try expose yourself. What scares you can grow smaller until it’s so tiny it will prove to you just how much you’re capable of. Doing what scared me led to so many experiences that otherwise wouldn’t have played out the way they did.

• Moisturise. I know you’re too lazy, but do it. Especially in winter, just slather it on.

• It takes time to heal. No, really. It’s different for everybody, but this rings true. Don’t listen to other people who tell you you should be over something by now. It takes as long as it takes.

• Therapy is my tool. I adore going to my therapist, he listens to me, he gets my humour, every session feels like a gossip session with tea. But you’re not there for tea. You go to therapy, you have limited time. Use the time wisely, whenever you can afford to. Ask your therapist anything. Everything. Collect the tools they can provide you, like they’re collectibles. Take your notes. Try to use the tools you’ve been given in your daily life, like it’s homework. You’re building your house of How To Handle Life As Me, and your therapist is your mentor, not your bestie.

• There is no such thing as neutral news. Don’t believe everything I see & do my own research. Understand that everything you see in mainstream media is propaganda for something, and oftentimes one person says that something/someone is great, making the other side bad. It’s not always so black and white, so beware that no news is truly neutral. Make your own opinions, doing your own research.

• Smiling at people can make their day. I know this for a goddamned fact as a former team leader and a barista, hotel receptionist, airport check-in person, and press intern. It goes such a long way, and people smile too little these days. Maybe it’s the majority of German people I’ve served where I live, but it could be a general thing. I can feel it by now when I’ve made a server feel more at ease by being kind to them, or even giving a compliment, or telling them to take their time. The sigh of relief is real.

P/S: Happy birthday if we’re sharing birthdays.